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Entries in comedy (7)

Wednesday
Nov122014

Have You Met My Pet Yabbie, Collette Dinnigan?

Everyone, Collette Dinningan.

Collete Dinningan, everyone.

Collette's been my [Candy-Girl] pet yabbie for ages now. She lives in my red faux-velour handbag. Everyone knows it's faux-velour! Collette knows it. Gerda knows it. Even the little man at the faux-velour shop knows it. So stop banging on about it, wouldntchu even hardly moind. Pff, wimmins!

We liberated Collette from Sea Whirl. We're not saying she was inside the venue. Biindi Irwin was inside. Wearing a No Blackfish t.shirt. I think I heard someone say she was measuring the fin flop on one of the Sea Whirl trainers. I could be wrong, but that's not likely. So no, we're not saying Collette was inside the Fish Exploitation House. Not totally. And we're not saying she was hanging around outside peddling krill and sewing tiny lace dresses. But she was. She was he was hanging around outside peddling krill and sewing tiny lace dresses and had set up a pretentious little shop  just left of the entrance, her tiny lace dresses hung on tiny metal hangers. Sure, they were pretty, tiny lace dresses but they stunk. Badder!

She tried to sell us one. She said, she thinks about all the pieces. "Does it fit in to the collection. Does it tell the story? Is it something we need or does it tick all the boxes, or is it just purely irresistible, something that everyone would want to dream of wearing but never would..."  You can see why I had to slam her into my bewflioust faux-velour ha'bag. 

She torked all the way home. In between arsking for tiny scissors and more doilies. MORE DOILIES is something she often screams. She hung out with us at home. It is fair to say she doesn't get along with our other pets. Alphonso says she's too South African and he can't understand an obnoxious thing she says. We know our li'l cardboard meteorologist pony is racist. He knows it. Gerda knows it. Even the little man at the the faux-racist shop knows it. Sometimes, you just can't change peoples/ponies minds. 

Collette started getting mouthy. Around last Xmas time it was.  She'd poke her head out of my ha'bag and say to Gerds that she "too often saw teenage girls with "big burger bellies", describing the look as "unattractive". Gerda's a kind of teenager - so that was a bad place to start, in retrospect.  Collette pressed on. "I see so many girls with those cut-off short shorts and midriff tops and their big bellies hanging out the top of them and I'm just thinking, `Why on earth would you think this looks attractive?' '' she said. "I walk down the street and they're 16-17 years old and I feel like saying to them, `It's just so unattractive, you have no idea.' "

Being one half of Australia's Premiere Identical Twin TEENAGE Bridesmaids, the ol' Gerds didn't take to that talk too well. Luckily, for Collette the Fashion World pretended to care then really quickly forgot about it.  You can still buy her $400 mini dress made from half a table cloth and soft, disposable nappies. or $300 sunglasses made from glasses and intolerant hate. But no kaftans! She criticised the popular kaftan trend, saying "too many women were using them to hide unhealthy bodies." It's like she wants to be a massive cunt off of something?! Pff! Wimmins!

Anywho - here's a recent pic of Collette from Gerds.  

She says, they're playing, Plate Up. Sure looks fun!

 

Which of your beloved family pets have you eaten?

Mince Candy-Grills xxxxx

(As we gear up for our 2015 Melbourne Comedy Festival Show - we'll be hosing off our internet once a week. Join our mailing list. Rub our stink on your friends. Baste your seafood here. Unsubscribing is easy. We hope you don't 'cause - that's just the kind of thing Collette Dinnigan would do. Stay! Chuckle. Share! Comment. Thanks. Gerda & Candy-Girl who together are off of, Miss Itchy.)

Thursday
Sep252014

Miss Itchy's Lazy Susan - 1.

BRING IT!

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