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Friday
Sep292006

HOSTAGE

This kid is never coming out.

40 weeks. TEN months. And now they want me to wait TWO MORE WEEKS?! My response starts with “get” and ends in “ucked”.

I’m trying all the bullshit old wives tales;

Drinking the raspberry leaf tea.
Eating the spicy food.
Wheezing my way through long walks with asthma and zero lung capacity.
Dancing the bedroom fandango.
Screaming at the kid to come out!

Linda even gave me a violent pony ride - the equivalent of a suspensionless truck bolting down a rutted dirt track with a busted hand brake.

webpony.JPG

Yes, it was every bit as fun as it looks but that was three days ago now and if anything, I think it scared the baby back up a couple of ribs!

GAWD! So - send us your Nana’s sure fire baby extracting hints. Your mad Aunt Mauve’s quick exit strategies. Some Pitocin and a claw hammer.

I’m off to bounce on the trampoline. Let’s see what I can break first - my neck or my waters… At this point, I'll take either.


Me xxxx

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Friday
Sep152006

*Claaaang* 38 weeks and all's well...

Justin Timberlake said, "I'm bringing sexy back." Well thanks Justin. It seems you've delivered the sexy over here and you delivered it by the bucketload! Lordy, there aint nothing sexier than a 38 week pregnant tummy. All stretched. Weirdly lilting off to the right hand side. In constant, rolling motion. The heartburn has been relentless but at least its all but chased off the morning sickness! The biggest surprise has been the stretch marks-shut up! heh BumpShot1509.jpg

Actually, I'm doing pretty well. I had my 38 week (38 divided by 4, carry the 2...) appointment today. I sat down and said, "I am not going beyond 40 weeks." It was then the laughter started. "Well Mrs Scott, it is our policy not to let our ladies go over 42 weeks..." "Oh, I'm sorry, I must not have been speaking le Anglais." I repeated, "I am NOT going over 40 weeks. 40 weeks is TEN months! Contrary to rude conjecture I am not an elephant nor a camel nor even a giraffe (although that long blue tongue would surely come in handy for trips to the ice cream factory). I continued. "There is NO need for anyone to be cooked for TEN months. I do not want a 4 week old child, wandering around inside of me. I want it out, in it's pram at Nana and Grandpa's house. Where it belongs! I'm pretty sure its already about 4ft tall and tipping the scales at 14 or 18 lbs. I am only 5ft 4" on a good day. (Me= 5'4") + (Baby =4') =? You do the math. Exactly my point! It's got two more weeks then I'm calling AAA, the RACV and Sea Search & Rescue." Stand by for more news on that front! But I think I made myself clear. :)

N&JAustralia is still the prettiest spot on earth, there is NO doubt about it. The sky isnt a hazy brown. The traffic isn't gridlocked 24 hours a day. The beach is clean and you can see the shore line without the aid of binoculars. It's bloody expensive though!!! Ben went shopping the other day and "fruit" was on the list. He came home with ONE banana. Average size, yellow on the outside. Yellow on the inside. No diamond studs or anything else unusual about it. How much would you expect to pay for such an item? Do I hear :40c? Do I hear :60c? How's about a rousing, $3:20. No no, not, per pound or kilo (hardly!) $3:20 PER banana. I know there was a cyclone a YEAR ago but really... $3:20? Come on!

It also kills me to fill up the car with petrol. $88+ per tank. M D N No, we're not driving a military tank, not even a Schwarzenegger H3. Just an average family sized sedan. No turbo engine. No jet aided propulsion. $88+ a tank? Bite me! What, does the thing run on - bananas??? Less of a surprise is the cost of booze. I already knew that was expensive. It is infact, way more expensive, which actually highlights how dedicated our Aussie alcoholics are. You've got to lay down some serious folding money to write yourself off. They say if you want something bad enough, you find a way...

Thanks also for all your kind birthday wishes and presents. T'was indeed my birthday on Wednesday the 13th. If you havent sent your expensive gifts and trinkets in yet, that's ok. I will accept them anytime this week or next. Or next. I am just that kind.

F&LOne of my favourite things about being home again has been, Linda. We've been relishing in one anothers company again. It has been like putting on an old floppy pair of slippers that make you laugh your guts up, every time you take a step. (Rat scuffs, any one?) We've been talking about funny stuff and are enjoying mashing our heads together in the pursuit of silliness, once more.

Well, I reckon I have two more weeks to cram as much "catching up with those I love" before I explode. Plans are afoot and coffee will be drunk! I cant wait. Literally. At this stage the biggest battle I have is getting off the couch unaided - (funnily enough, I'm still 20+ lbs lighter than I was about 18 months ago) but, let's not push it.

See you all soon. And those not in Melbourne, will see you just after that - thru the baby vomit haze... Betcha cant wait, eh?!

Til next time!

Me, Him and It xxxx


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Monday
Aug282006

I Still Call Australia - a long way away!

There should be medals handed out for the surviving 'customers' of a long haul flight - especially if they have been made to sit anywhere near me! Christ I hate flying REALLY long distances if I have to share the plane with more than the pilot, co-pilot, air waitress, backup skymall pusher and my best buddy, Ben. melbourne.jpg Other people taking up my room, eating my free allergy sensitive non-peanut snacks and putting their arms on MY arm rest! Grrr! That's me on a normal every day non 7&1/2 months pregnant flight... as you can imagine, the joy of me travelling whilst extra heavy and round with constantly moving child is... like I said, they should hand out medals.

Still, we made it! And no one was arrested! The security was pretty much as expected - until we got to Sydney where we had to de-plane (a technical term for "get off!"). We walked along the secured international arrival bit to the next get back on the same plane although now we've 'cleaned' it and taken the blankets away, still in the secured international bit of the airport. It took all of 10 minutes, we had no outside contact nor the opportunity for same and it was here that we were FRISKED! Physically man handled and patted down! Now, call me crazy. A sentimental old fool but when I dreamt about our baby getting it's first pat down I really thought that would happen in LA and quite frankly that it would have something to do with Doug. Just goes to show you, eh?

Mum and Dad look just great! Mum is recovering from her nine month ordeal much better than I seem to be coping with mine! She is sporting a cute lil pixie cut and is almost ready to tour with Kylie.

mumme.jpg

Dad has relished his role of henpecked house husband and says that he has found it all to be a breeze and doesnt know why women complain all the time... heh And that sums Dad up, perfectly. Captain Shitstir of the good ship, Cheeky Bugger. Fahey-John.jpg

We hit the ground running, a couple of family do's - which was a nice excuse to catch up with cousins and other assorted distant relatives that I normally would not have recognised had I hit them with my car. We went to the bank and discovered we still have an account even though my ATM card expired 4 years ago!! We registered at Medicare and found Ben a good doctor to make sure we stay on top of his medical needs. Then off to my short list of hospitals to register for the extraction of a small human at the end of September. Yay for socialized medicine! (We shall be having said extraction, at Monash Hospital.) We met with the midwife, whom I liked a lot and I see the Fetal Maternal Specialist this Friday for more extensive coverage. The baby continues to grow at a ridiculous rate and the movement has been SO vigorous that I am actually BRUISED just below and to the right of my belly button! (as you can see, I have been blessed without stretch marks... ok squint! Now I have been blessed...) bruise.jpg

I have been wipe-out tired which I first thought was jetlag but day 7 and its still hanging on... Whew!

It's very odd not to get up and go to work every day. It's odd to be cuddled up in bed under a blanket cause its COLD! It's odd to see rain outside that lasts more than 3.5 seconds. I love it! I am completely unprepared for this baby to arrive, although, I do have a lovely pram and some funny t.shirts for it to wear! heh I am looking forward to doing some shopping with Mum and Adam and Lil miss Linda-lou. Im also looking forward to catching up with my fellow Melbournites and sampling some more fabulous Melbourne coffee and food!

Names? I am pretty much settled on Poet for a girl and boys names still sway between Senator, Fitzroy, Spike and - well, we're open to suggestions. I just hope it's less than 10lbs and under 4 feet tall. I am serious when I say, I am running out of room!

Much love to our friend Hinty who is having gastric bypass surgery this week back in the USA. In further stomach news, congrats to two of my Melbourne comedy buds - Seethy Horl and his lady woyf Judi on the arrival of their little girl, Lily. Paul McCarthy and his gal Caris on the arrival of their little, Sadie. Also, welcome home to other friends Corinne, Doug and Wil who are soon to return from Edinburgh. BIG congrats to Phil Nicol (that former Juice Pig) who claimed the top prize -The if.comeddiesaward *(formally the Perrier).

And, that'll do ya! Will update more when there's stuff to tell and pics to show.

Much love,

Moi, Boi and ??? xxxx

pregnancy calendar
Monday
Aug072006

An Air-Conditioned Post

LA has a pretty high crime rate. In fact, I think I mentioned a few weeks back (around July 4th) the sounds of fireworks being let off every 3.5 seconds were drowning out the genuine gunfire up the end of the street. But sometimes you have to just look outside and say, "Hey, I can see why you're all so pissed off." Nothing brings about a reason for crime quite like the heatwave we've been enduring. "Lock and load, baby." It never fails to piss me off each summer when the electricity companies start whining, "stop using all the zap zap juice, we're over loaded... It's unbelievable to us that you all want to use fans or air conditioners or other forms of voltaic appliances to cool yourselves down." EVERY year. Guess what?! It happened last year and the year before that and the one before that too, ya morons! Get yerselves ready!! We live in an age of $10m Doppler radars and 15 day forecasts for crissakes I knew it was gonna be Greek buggery hot, you should have too!

*pant pant pant*

It makes me crazy. If I'd had a gun in the house, I would have used it. I know, it seems odd that I live in America and I dont have a gun. There should be one here somewhere... I know I got one when I came through immigration back in September '02. "Welcome to America Miss, here's your passport, your greencard, your stick of beef jerky, your semi automatic handgun, your George Bush-to-English translator and your American flag. Now off you go and take someone's job."

Anyway - 'tis hot. Balls hot. Funnily enough, I've found being 7 months pregnant with a burning furnace child inside your belly makes one even HOTTER. So lets take a look at that;

One who already hates the heat + heat + bellyful of heat making arms and legs = Annie Get Your Gun.

So, how to make this gun lust go away? Simple, buy an portable air conditioner. Yes, seems perfectly reasonable to me. America was founded on consumer trade, How Chief. You givem us land and we'll give'm you these shiny blue beads... No? Small pox in a blanket, anyone? The land is dotted with strip mall after strip mall. Mega mall after mega mall. Industrious immigrants sell fruit on the side of the road, you can't go anywhere without someone trying to sell you something. That is of course, unless it's 100+.F outside, and the something you are trying to buy is an AC.

AAAC.jpg

We drove and drove, we searched and searched. Granted, we did find PLENTY of $99 window units which of course, would not fit in our windows because of our security bars and side opening windows. So, we searched. In the heat. In increasing concentric circles of desperation.

Finally we hear about some portable units, under $400 were available at Home Depot (like Bunnings) 20 mins away from us. "They're unloading the truck now." I cut work early and we dashed there SO fast only to be greeted by a big empty concrete space surrounded by confused, hot people. They'd sold out in 20 minutes. So had all their other stores. People were taking them off the truck as it backed in... A truck load. I hated every single one of those people. The girl behind the counter cheerfully tells us they were not getting another shipment for 3-4 weeks. I asked her when he next shipment of bombs were due. She went to ask somebody.

I'm not sure how we survived the night - Ben may have knocked me unconscious, more for the peace and quiet - either way, it was vile.

A day later, on a whim (ok, a whim bought about by heat stroke) I pulled into another Home Despot. As I rounded the corner to gaze upon the empty girdle of concrete, I saw it - 5 solitary, brutalized boxes containing 5 solitary portable AC units. Like a hero of the highest order, I flung myself on the nearest box and snarled at anyone who came within 15 feet of me and my box of cool, cool love. After I was sure I'd sprayed my stink all over it and the man went to get a trolley thing to move it to my car I stood up, victorious! I noticed another mega pregnant lady waddling towards me, who took one look at the remaining 4 boxes and burst into tears. "Omigod. I can't believe I found one." I couldn't resist. "Oh, I'm buying all five."

We were planning on heading up to San Francisco for a weekend, before we return to Australia. The AC unit blew our pucker tight budget. So here it is, our weekend in San Francisco. I've never loved Northern Cali SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much.

Til next time - probably from Oz. The wonderful wintery wonderland of Oz!

Me xxxx

_______________________________________________________________________

For those of you who have been inspired to shop - then you can't go wrong shopping here...
The Perfectly Normal Shop!!


For all your baby t.shirts, grownup t.shirts and bumpersticker needs. I've told you about the trouble we've had finding baby clothes that aren't puke inducing, baby blue or baby pink - so we went ahead and made our own.
hey Angelina, adopt this! Dissident in Training

What are you waiting for? 10% of proceeds go directly towards the future therapy bills of our unborn child.

pregnancy calendar
Monday
Jul032006

Heat (without Al Pacino)

It's only about 4 million degrees out there. Humidity stands at a solid 12 billion percent. You know me, I don't exaggerate so I would appreciate it if somebody turned the friggen sun down?! It's sticky and humid and vile. I've never liked the heat. Right from the get-go we have been sworn enemies. When I was a baby Mum used to wheel my basinette into the bathroom - which was the coolest room in the house - and that is where Snowy (the dog) and I would stay. See? The dog knew when it was too hot and so did I. At 10 days old, I knew. It's a gift.

LA is hotting up, there's no doubt about it. Last weekend to try and escape the heat AND LA we took a quick trip up a hill to visit what would be, if this was lovely old winter, snow country. Our friend Lynnie lives in Running Springs which is a short hop skip and jump to Big Bear and Lake Arrowhead. Lynnie took us up to Lake Arrowhead to have a look around. It features, a lake. Around which sits very expensive real estate - so yes, I was in heaven! The little village-y part was great. Lots of shops, boutiques some would call them. Food stalls of every description. Bands playing in marquees and on the lawn and am impressive play area for the kids. Lynnie points at an area filled with mothers, fathers and babies and says, "Oooh, that will be you soon." She was full of baby questions, each more hilarious than the last. I love Lynnie, she thinks of twelve things at once then asks all twelve in rapid succession. 'Is it kicking now?" "What do you think of breastfeeding." "I feel a little sick." "Hmm, I need new sunglasses." "I want to buy the baby something." "Look at the ducks!" "When I have a baby, I hope it's got a crossed eye or something. You know, I want one that's just a little off." "You're not a natural red-head are you? Pity, I love red headed babies." "Do you want icecream?"

Me & Lynnie

Like I said, I love Lynnie, how could you not?! We had a great time, I drooled over some 'spenive real estate, said hi to some ducks, walked around some water, got 12 degrees cooler, watched Lynnie buy some gorgeous Prada sunnies and a chocolate chennille blanket for the baby and took a wee road trip with my hubby! It was ALL good!

The Forth of July holiday looms ever closer, so every night in our street for the past week we've enjoyed the sounds of what we asume is not gunfire, but fireworks. Practice run after practice run. I'm going to be very disappointed if someone doesn't lose a finger - at the very least part of a thumb. I'm not sure what our plans for the day are - perhaps hanging out with Copscotch & Long Suffering Nancy. We shall sit in a kiddy pool and drink Margaritas (I fear mine will be more Marga and less 'rita) - what ever happens, I'm sure it will be fun.

The baby continues to thrive. The kicking and punching is almost out of control but I find if I hold my breath for long enough, it seems to calm down. heh I'm into my third trimester now - depending on which website you consult - and it is officially getting bloody close to countdown. Unlike NASA who are unable to launch in bad weather, I'm fairly confident this kid will take off when it's good and ready. Bub has turned from anterior breech to posterior vertex to some weird transverse lets - all - face - the - right - and - kick - the - shit - out - of - mum's - ribs - and - belly position in 3 weeks. The last ultrasound was like watching some Wes Craven version of Cirque de Soleil. Bub is measuring right on target - except for the limbs, which continue to measure a week+ older. The new apt front runner name appears to be, Giraffe-y. I bought a pram. It's a pearler. Got a BNIB (brand new in box) bargain on eBay. Saved myself about $300 AND we even managed to put it together without consulting the in German Only instructions. (I kid you not!) Bah, who needs em? We figured it out! We even figured out how to take the brake off which makes pushing the thing MUCH easier!

pram stroller

All the baby clothes I come across are SOOOO boring! Pink bunny this and blue truck that. Urgh! So we've taken it upon ourselves to make our own. In fact, hubby is right in the middle of some fantastic baby t.shirts now - they'll be available for purchase soon, will post a link as soon as they are up.

So, in our stash now we have two t.shirts (They Shake Me & I Ate My Twin), a swingy thing/martini shaker and... the pram! Looks like we just need EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE SWOLLEN WORLD. People keep saying to me, "Where are you registered?" ?? Turns out, they mean, where are your registered for baby gifts. !! I thought registering for wedding gifts was gauche, so imagine my horror at the thought of a baby registry! But, you know me, I don't like to disappoint. If you really must - here is where we are registered. I'll have everything in red, please.

Ok, time to go cool off again. If I could just figure out a way to keep the little light on while the door is shut, I would never leave the fridge.

Til next time.

Lotsa love, Moi. xxxx

P.S. Oh - in the good good news category - we can now get Tim Tams in the USA! It's the small mercies.

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