Entries in Xmas (6)


A Merry Xmas - Reboot

Because this year as been insanely busy - please enjoy this reboot of our 2005 Xmas Card!

Nothing says, I love you like an eleven year old card. 




Xmas 2014 - Not Normal

It hasn't been a Normal One this year, at all. But we were together and we ate things with faces and things that came out of things with faces and even a few things that the things with faces like to eat. We laughed, drank and loved. Love to your family* from mine. I hope you're as lucky. f xxx

*except if you've got a shit family.

A Xmas Gift Guide For Sensibly Priced Purchases [Billionaires Edition]

Tis the season to get over your head in hock. It's what the Baby Cheezels had in mind as forced his way out of his virgin mother in that animal stall. (He had a head like a pencil when he was born - the paintings don't often depict that.) But for the select few, money is not even an object.  No object. So today's blog is for them. Let me take the guess work out of gift giving this season.

Rapscallion Uncle Billionaire With No Dependants. Ensure you place as No.1 on Uncle's list with this Tanqueray No. Ten Imperial Shaker by Jason Crawley aka Jason Von Wank-Atron V. "Recreated from a nineteenth-century drawing under the meticulous guidance of spirits impresario Jason Crawley, the 5 foot-tall, 130kg Imperial Shaker oozes authenticity, from its cast iron, brass, copper, and silver materials to the elliptical shake (versus a pedestrian up-and-down shake) created by the crank." I don't need to remind you people how Uncle hates it when you mix his cocktail with your human hands. Urgh. What are we, animals? Even that chimp that ripped that nice lady's face off with his bare primate hands understands mixolgy requires bespoke machinery. Price $35,000 US Don't worry, it comes with a one-year supply of Tanqueray No. Ten (not to exceed four cases). Four stainless steel custom-machined shakers and a personal cocktail education session, for up to 20 guests, with Tanqueray Ambassador Rachel Ford. Phew! (video here)

You copped Bill Gates in the Billionaires Secret Santa didn't you? Fear not, I have the answer! For the gadget geek who has everything — the world’s most expensive USB stick. It's studded with diamonds, rubies and sapphires and has a storage capacity of 32GB. Yes, 32. The Magic Mushroom USB key is an incredible gem-studded case to carry out the secret files in style, "and it also reminds us that high-technology and luxury forms an excellent duo." Well, yes. Ok, I guess it does? Hmm, now that you mention it, fungus that grows in horseshit and Bill's holiday snaps does go hand in hand. Larry Ellison is going to be SO jelly! Mohamed Shawesh, the creator and co-founder of Shawish jewelry says, "To associate the mushroom design with a USB key, which is today the symbol of excellence of youth, makes a lot of sense." You had me co-founder, Mohamed. Price - $36,900 US

Trying to buy back your teenage daughter's love - this is the gift for her. Vanity Fair Academy Awards® Experience! Lights! Camera! Cocaine galore! Briffanyy and a very special guest (she'll probably insist on taking that toothy kid from up the road, Appletini Martin-Forbes) are cordially invited to play the part of Hollywood royalty during the film industry's most celebrated weekend. The star treatment begins Friday at the luxe Peninsula Beverly Hills Hotel—their home for the next three nights. Saturday's agenda is packed with special excursions, drinks (Shirley Temples) at the famous Sunset Tower, and dinner at celeb favorite Chateau Marmont. Oscar® day kicks off with pre-party spa pampering and culminates with entrée to the night's most coveted event: The Vanity Fair Party... wait? What?! I'm pretty sure she's going to expect tickets to the Oscars®!? No? Ok, so, The Vanity Fair Party where she'll mix, mingle, and revel with silver-screen legends past and present. Hair, makeup, wardrobe styling by Neiman Marcus Style Advisor Catherine Bloom (gift card, $5000), and jewelry (on loan only!) are all provided for this once-in-a-lifetime evening. But no Oscars® tickets? Oookay. Still it's just your homely first ex-wife's kid. Price - $425,000 (not a typo!) 

You know who works tirelessly for you? Without complaint (in English)? Consuela. She's been with the family for 40 years, her mother worked for your father. Why not splurge this year and show her how much you care? Go no further than this 24k gold-plated vacuum cleaner. It'll make her carpets look like a million dollars! Or it should, cause that's how much it costs.  But for that (£625,000) it can be customised with a hand-sewn outer bag in the material of your choice. (video here) Perhaps the skin of poor people's children? Yes, it's heavy. Yes, it's shiny. Yes, it really does suck. Mr Howell, you ol' softy. Imagine her face, "Ah Consuela, Merry Xmas or Feliz Navida or whatever it is your children are crying at the kitchen door." (If you were a documented worker, I'd have splurged for the solid gold model). Price $1,000,000 US OR $999,999 when you enter this Code GV62711 *(also, not a typo)

Xmas, it's like a birthday you share with the world. And everyone in it.

Just, some of them are getting waaaaay better stuff that you. Thanks Mary, thanks for spurting forth that boy child who inspired mass delusions of grandeur. 

Merry. Socks and undies for you all!



The Xmas Tree Goes Up When I Say It Goes Up. Not Now, Damnit!

The Thanksgiving food was not even completely cleared from the bench, table or faces of the children when Spike asked about the Xmas tree.

So, are we having a real tree or a fake one?

Ask me when it's Xmas time, dude.

I was having a small bout of diabetes, which was very much self-inflicted. This year, as well as the pumpkin cheesecake, I made Ben a dark chocolate salted caramel pie thingy that seriously could be used to kill things that are allergic to dark chocolate, salted caramel pie thingys. I'm getting a sugar coma just looking at it. Holy shit. And the kid wants to talk about the friggen Xmas tree?!

It's one of the perks of being married to a Yank. The Thanksgiving buffer. You can go to the shops in October without fear of coping a bauble in the eye. They've got Halloween to deal with. No Yuletides, instead you get ghouls by the pound and you will get caught in a fake spider web... it better be fake... Holy sacks-of-tainted-candy day, it better be fake?!

After the Witch Bits (TM) and Lolly Cauldrens have been put away, you're still safe. No Jolly Ol' St. Nick slipping into ShapeWear to shove himself down your chimney. Nor are there any Rudolphs - Nureyev or Gin Blossom-Nosed. Nope, you are greeted by great honking gobblers and Pilgrims as far as the eye can see. No Bing Crosby songs to murder in a lift, but you can while away the hours calling the Butterball Turkey Hotline for help with all your most intimate Meleagris needs. "Can you eat the snood?"

So, can we do the tree now?

Dude! I'm having a caloric collapshun here! It's STILL November - and I've still got smallpox soaked blankets to hand out to complete my genocide of an indigenous people tryptic.

Child looks at mother like she's poo'd on the festive floor.

Engages mild-whine mode.

But we ALWAYS put up the tree on Thanksgiving! I'm serious!

I just don't have an answer for that. Not one that doesn't begin with the phrase, "Oh ferfuckssake!" He's adament. ON Thanksgiving. Tree, now! Family traditon of decades standing. I didn't know kids could suffer from delusions of grandeur...

Can we look at that dark chocolate, salted caramel pie thingy again? Holy crap, I'm getting contact high.

It's not Xmas til Bill Murray says so.  The PLASTIC tree can probably go up this weekend. 3 weeks out. The box of lights can be untangled and the broken ornaments can be tossed.  It's December. Everyone breaath...

I give it 4 weeks til we start seeing Easter Hot Cross Buns in Woolies. 


[obnoxious link removed because it wont allow you to turn off auto play.  thanks Ellen!  Google, Bill Murray, Xmas]



Xmas 2013

Merry. Happy. Joyeux Noël. Crimby, Crumbly Chris Miss.

Kids have made out like ruthless bandits. Bonsoir Fancy Pants; actually surprised this year! (yay woyf!) and woyf's gifts leave all others to shiver, pale in their feeble shadows.  Yay Me!!!!!

We've had a pretty fortunate and wonderful year. New jobs, new opportunities, happy, healthy kids and old careers rekindled with a kind of flame thrower intensity that can be seen from all corners of space.

2014 promises to be a tearer of balls and a winner of, Best In Show at every Royal Aggy up and down the Eastern and Western seaboards.

Please enjoy this year's subtle renderings of a 'fun Xmas movie' - "It should really have Zombies in it, Mum." So, Zombies it is! 

Much love to you and yours from us and ours. xoxoxox