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101 Exercise Tips For Busy Mums

I joined the gym. Don't get giddy, it was about 3 years ago. i joined because I noticed they had "FREE" CHILDCARE! Well, free after your 50 Shekels for the gym membership. Still. Worth it!

I rocked up with my littlest tacker under my arm that first day, handed him over to the nice lady singing French lullabies and turned to bolt!

"Excuse me." Said the other nice lady. "Where will you be?" I recognise now that what she was asking me was, "Exactly where in the very large, multi floor premises will you be incase we need to come find you." My answer to her was a very confident [and still accurate]. "I'll be in my car making phone calls and eating cake!"  No one stopped me.

Best work out ever! I needed a massage and a steam afterwards to rest my telephone holding elbow. Beginner's mistake. It's ok, I've since become quite proficient. Now i use the speaker phone. 

The gym I go to is filled with oddest collection of [mostly] women. Quite a lot of fatties. Not hiding in the corner, but definitely plugged in to the Cooking Channels. The regular assortment of mothers who had the same Free Childcare Idea I had. They wear the same expression. I Dont Want To Be Here But I Don't Want To Be At Home Wiping Jam Off Surfaces While Ellen Dances And Gives Away Free Shit To Her Studio Audience More. I offer to high five them. 

My favourite group are the older ladies. There's a lot of them. 60's. 70's. 80's. It's their social club. They're 99% hilarious. Calling out to each other from the hip abductor. "Graham'd have a heart attack if he could see me on this!" "Someone spot me? I need to make sure I don't leave my uterus on the floor when I'm done."  "Is it drink o'clock yet?" 

There's not too many Lululemon wearing freaks. You know Lululemon? They sell $100 yoga pants (they'd want to bend me themselves for that price!) and $299 tracky tops. If you wanna spend $500 on workout gear, knock yourself out. I mean, get a grip but if you want it and can see no better use for the money, go crazy. The reason you should avoid Lululemon is because their founder, Chip Shitnacks Wilson is a freak! Amongst the more cogent beliefs he espouses include; favouring child labour, "[Canada] is a place for 12- and 13-year-old street youths to find work in local factories as an alternative to collecting handouts."  Then there's his scorn for the Japanese and his perceived view that they can't speak English properly. It's called 'Lululemon' because he thinks Japanese people can't say the letter 'L.'  He told Canada's National Post Business Magazine, "It's funny to watch them try and say it." Yeah. His [unsurprising at this point] love of Ayn Rand and her tome, Atlas Shrugged "naked pursuit of self-interest should be society's highest ambition." Oh, then there's his opinion on how The Pill created a generation of "divorce-shattered women now seeking empowerment through yoga".

Blah blah blech! Repugnant shithead. Still want those 300 buck see-through leggings everyone can see your episiotomy scar in when you're downward-dogging? 

What's my point? Oh yeah - the gym isn't the most awful place I've ever been. I drop the kids off at school and head over. I don't use the crèche or "Kid Gym" as Mo called it, any more. I scan my memebership tag, head into the cardio room where I'm universally known as the Swearing Lady. Then do some weights, head into the machine room, have a laugh at/with the Old Ducks and then I get the wet frig outta there!

I'd rather be in my car, chatting to friends, eating cake - but I'd also like to be able to breath while I walk up a slight incline. Pffff! Apparently I'm not 22 any more?! Outrageous!

Well, I'm gonna take off my maternity tracky pants and t.shirt, kick my Puma's off [don't even get me started on the Nike sweat shop/child labour rant - just see Lululemon chat and consider it done] and have a shower. 

Any one want some leftover car cake?

Til Friday! x

(these blogs are going to be more frequent. writing is good. it makes things funner. plus. words. yes. unsubscribing is easy - just click and you're gone. i hope you wont though. instead, stay. read. chuckle. share. comment. thanks!)