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Look At Me Suddenly Giving A Shit About Soccer!?

FIFA's head penis, Sepp Blatter. His name has been all up and down everything you pick up, listen to or walk by over the past few weeks. I first heard of him on my favourite podcast, The Bugle. John Oliver and Andy Zaltsman are both, let's say "keen" soccer fans. Soz, football fans. They call it football even though we know it's not really. it's soccer. Andy and John have been Mad About Blatter* for as long as I've been listening to The Bugle. 

When his name came up, I did not give many brown shits but I did enjoy the vehemence of the hatred. Who can't get behind some o' that? :-) It wasn't the same as their vitriol for Silvio Burlusconi - Italy's own worst person on earth. Blatter had sullied something they loved. Soccerball. Their hatred was palpable. And it was/is delicious to listen to.

Then news broke last week about the FIFA arrests. $150 million in bribes and kickbacks over 24 years for media and marketing rights to soccer tournaments and I could NOT have been more excited. The thought of Andy and John also hearing this news was just too wonderful to anticipate. Especially noting that Blatter himself, had not been arrested. Of course he wasn't. Not now, not before, not then.

In 2002 he was accused of bribery by the then FIFA Secretary General. He said Blatter had paid a FIFA referee named Lucien Bouchardeau $25,000 and promised him $25,000 more for information on a Somali soccer official, Farah Addo, who had accused Blatter of bribery in his first election bid. Blatter didn’t deny the payment but said at the time he was doing it out of the goodness of his heart. Funnily enough, when Blatter was reelected the secretary general was shown the expensive, marble door.

That's some spectacular ball handling skills there. Lugging those giant man-nuts around, indignantly and aggressively denying corruption. "How very dare you, Sir." as he tucks another $10million is his back pocket.  The list of Sepp Blatter's Offensive Tidbits is both long and fruitful. One of my faves included that time he interupted a minutes silence for former South-African president Nelson Mandela, who had died the day before, after just eleven seconds. Eleven. Glorious!

John Oliver called him out, perfectly on his HBO show - you MUST go watch the video. [It is region locked so I suggest using Hola VPN. Easy, quick and smart as nice cups.] 

It will fill you with joy and put you on a righteous path of Sepp Blatter fury. He reminds me of Donald Trump. If Donald loved himself just a little bit more.

Keep your eye on Sepp. Keep your ears tuned to The Bugle. And if you can, your whole head facing towards where the TV rays shoot John Oliver's Last Week Tonight into your house. It's the best medicine. If by medicine you mean blood pressure raising, umbridge poking fury then yes. The Best.  

[Screengrab from Wikipedia]

*Worst sitcom, ever!

Til next time. 


fahey x