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Entries in gifts (1)


A Xmas Gift Guide For Sensibly Priced Purchases [Billionaires Edition]

Tis the season to get over your head in hock. It's what the Baby Cheezels had in mind as forced his way out of his virgin mother in that animal stall. (He had a head like a pencil when he was born - the paintings don't often depict that.) But for the select few, money is not even an object.  No object. So today's blog is for them. Let me take the guess work out of gift giving this season.

Rapscallion Uncle Billionaire With No Dependants. Ensure you place as No.1 on Uncle's list with this Tanqueray No. Ten Imperial Shaker by Jason Crawley aka Jason Von Wank-Atron V. "Recreated from a nineteenth-century drawing under the meticulous guidance of spirits impresario Jason Crawley, the 5 foot-tall, 130kg Imperial Shaker oozes authenticity, from its cast iron, brass, copper, and silver materials to the elliptical shake (versus a pedestrian up-and-down shake) created by the crank." I don't need to remind you people how Uncle hates it when you mix his cocktail with your human hands. Urgh. What are we, animals? Even that chimp that ripped that nice lady's face off with his bare primate hands understands mixolgy requires bespoke machinery. Price $35,000 US Don't worry, it comes with a one-year supply of Tanqueray No. Ten (not to exceed four cases). Four stainless steel custom-machined shakers and a personal cocktail education session, for up to 20 guests, with Tanqueray Ambassador Rachel Ford. Phew! (video here)

You copped Bill Gates in the Billionaires Secret Santa didn't you? Fear not, I have the answer! For the gadget geek who has everything — the world’s most expensive USB stick. It's studded with diamonds, rubies and sapphires and has a storage capacity of 32GB. Yes, 32. The Magic Mushroom USB key is an incredible gem-studded case to carry out the secret files in style, "and it also reminds us that high-technology and luxury forms an excellent duo." Well, yes. Ok, I guess it does? Hmm, now that you mention it, fungus that grows in horseshit and Bill's holiday snaps does go hand in hand. Larry Ellison is going to be SO jelly! Mohamed Shawesh, the creator and co-founder of Shawish jewelry says, "To associate the mushroom design with a USB key, which is today the symbol of excellence of youth, makes a lot of sense." You had me co-founder, Mohamed. Price - $36,900 US

Trying to buy back your teenage daughter's love - this is the gift for her. Vanity Fair Academy Awards® Experience! Lights! Camera! Cocaine galore! Briffanyy and a very special guest (she'll probably insist on taking that toothy kid from up the road, Appletini Martin-Forbes) are cordially invited to play the part of Hollywood royalty during the film industry's most celebrated weekend. The star treatment begins Friday at the luxe Peninsula Beverly Hills Hotel—their home for the next three nights. Saturday's agenda is packed with special excursions, drinks (Shirley Temples) at the famous Sunset Tower, and dinner at celeb favorite Chateau Marmont. Oscar® day kicks off with pre-party spa pampering and culminates with entrée to the night's most coveted event: The Vanity Fair Party... wait? What?! I'm pretty sure she's going to expect tickets to the Oscars®!? No? Ok, so, The Vanity Fair Party where she'll mix, mingle, and revel with silver-screen legends past and present. Hair, makeup, wardrobe styling by Neiman Marcus Style Advisor Catherine Bloom (gift card, $5000), and jewelry (on loan only!) are all provided for this once-in-a-lifetime evening. But no Oscars® tickets? Oookay. Still it's just your homely first ex-wife's kid. Price - $425,000 (not a typo!) 

You know who works tirelessly for you? Without complaint (in English)? Consuela. She's been with the family for 40 years, her mother worked for your father. Why not splurge this year and show her how much you care? Go no further than this 24k gold-plated vacuum cleaner. It'll make her carpets look like a million dollars! Or it should, cause that's how much it costs.  But for that (£625,000) it can be customised with a hand-sewn outer bag in the material of your choice. (video here) Perhaps the skin of poor people's children? Yes, it's heavy. Yes, it's shiny. Yes, it really does suck. Mr Howell, you ol' softy. Imagine her face, "Ah Consuela, Merry Xmas or Feliz Navida or whatever it is your children are crying at the kitchen door." (If you were a documented worker, I'd have splurged for the solid gold model). Price $1,000,000 US OR $999,999 when you enter this Code GV62711 *(also, not a typo)

Xmas, it's like a birthday you share with the world. And everyone in it.

Just, some of them are getting waaaaay better stuff that you. Thanks Mary, thanks for spurting forth that boy child who inspired mass delusions of grandeur. 

Merry. Socks and undies for you all!