Entries in comic (2)


off and running... often running?

As if! I ran once. A few years back now. It was for a TV pilot and I'd written a sketch about a rotund girl who was going to Olympics - come hell or high water. They had me run, on a tan track with an assortment of very young, very lithe, very athletic girls. We were all wearing the same lycra boy-shorts and little tops. My 'little' top may have had more lycra per square inch than all the others, combined.  To clarify, when I say, 'I ran' what I mean is, I took a few angry steps, holding my boobs for ballast then planted my foot and threw my baton to my team mate - waiting 100mts away. It's not MY fault she didn't catch it... with her hands. Them's the breaks of high stakes, international athletics.

Where was I?

photo: James PenlidisOh yeah, we are, off and running. Haggar and I have decided/been lured back to/are completely helpless to resist [to do] another Melbourne comedy festival. It's been.... a few years. A decade or so. It's actually the 20th anniversary of Miss Itchy ever appearing on a stage. It was SO retaridiclous! Haggar wore a boiler suit that was half robot, half cuts of meat and 3D body parts. "Don't touch my duoduncan."

I wore a heritage top, spray painted gold with ballerinas all over it and a misshappen, homemade golden tu-tu. "Hmm, yes, it's huge, but there's something wrong with it.  I know, bring it out the carport and I'll run over it a few times with Mystique (the 6 cylinder-but-only-runs-on-4 Datsun 240k)!" 

I did have my black wig "Don't worry, I've got black hairs!" Haggar wore a bald cap with two coarse grey horse hair (genuine horsehair) plaits down the front with a few whisps floating here and there at the back. "I'm gonna get a perm one day."

We were Miss Itchy, but we didn't even have names, we just called each other, Miss Fahey and Miss Linda. Redic!

The first appearance was at a night at the Limmerick Arms, in Sth Melbourne called, Purge. (which I've spoken about before)

The response we got that night cemented the belief that we DID have something there... it was definitely THE most fun you can have in a wig with your best friend so we just kept doing it. And doing it. And doing it.

Sometimes it worked. Sometimes, it still worked but the audience didn't think so. We got some fantastic reviews and some horiffic reviews. We just knew, we loved it. And we continued to do it until we didn't love it, any more.

We did a couple of festivals. Then were lucky enough to get an invite to Edinburgh. That experience was transformative. We had a great season of terrifying shows. We tried stuff that even WE were too scared to do - under the insistent tutorage of the impressive and formidable Karen Koren. We came home from that trip determined not to do it again, until we had a new look and a new direction.

The following year, we won The Barry.

photo: Dr Peter MilneThis year, we're just hoping like hell we'll break even!

Ah comedy, you're a brutal whoreish mistress. We really must look in to getting you a manservant.

Coincidentally, tickets for Miss itchy's Late Night Larvae are on sale, NOW!

Book your tickets through Ticketmaster, here's a link.

It's an all new show with BAT LOADS of insane shit! We're really excited about it and thrilled to the back of our lips, teeth and gums to be working with the father of all things Itchy, really the Third Itchy, the Very Reverend, Dr Tim Harris (he's Alphonso's Dad. And Dr Grog. And Garth Minchinsky. And Dr Alexander Buchanan. And Gerald Peas. And Fergus McShite. And dear ol' masturbatin' fearin', Uncle Sandy. and and and... you get the picture, Tim's beyond BRILL!).  And this year we'll be joined by the ever lovely, nine bits of talented, Jennifer Wong. We call her Jeff. She's ok with it! See? Win/win!  Plus there'll be guests. Some will sing. Some will sell. Some will cower and cry for their Mommies. What more do you want?!


It's going to be - nice.

Proper and decent and nice. BOOK NOW!!

Miss itchy's Late Night Larvae - it's everything you'd expect in a late night chat show... if you've sustained a crushing skull wound and aren't a fan of oxygen.



MICF - One final thing...



The Melbourne International Comedy Festival finished it's four week run, last night. The awards were handed out, the box offices closed and comics(and staff) all over the country can get back to the vestiges of their lives.

Like me, I'm guessing some of them bleary-eyed, clicked on a "news story" with a catchy headline this morning. It was in the Herald Sun, a major MICF sponsor.  [insert your own spit take]

I'd link the actual article by Ms's Bennett & Duck but it seems it's been pulled down.

So, we're back to this shit already eh? We've ALLLLLL covered it before and yes, the consensus is clear, Stand Up's sans Dick = not funny. We get it. 

What's utterly disgusting, in THIS instance is it is a story, with an invective headline in what I concur is HARDLY the last great bastion of journalistic excellence but, you morons, you are a MAJOR FESTIVAL SPONSOR.  YOU SHOULD HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING OF THE VERY THING YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING

And now, let's grab our mucky boots and have a quick wander around the facts, shall we?  You DO KNOW what FACTS are, don't you Ms Duck? Perhaps your learned friend, Ms Bennett has a grasp?

Fact. MICF's director is a man without a penis. She has been at the helm of this multi-million dollar venture for many years. It is Australia's largest cultural event - selling more tickets than any other Australian Festival.

Fact. Of the top three positions at MICF, three are held by men. Sorry, WOMEN. 

Fact. It is the only festival of it's kind to hold an all girl line up show, UpFront. Started by actual women comedians. It's in it's 18th* year.

Fact It's the only festival of it's kind to hold a workshop primarily for (but not inclusive of men) aspiring female comedians. It was started by another one of those stand-ups without wedding tackle, Linda Haggar. It's called Jeez Louise and it's generated a LOT of local talent.

Fact. Of the fifteen Barry Awards given, SIX of those have been awarded to chicks. Floozy's. Strumpets. Non-Blokes.

Fact. Conversely, of the THIRTY Edinburgh Awards given, only THREE of those have been awarded to women.

This shit is SO frustrating for the women who are striving, thriving and looking for an audience. Every single one of us has heard, "well, I don't normally think women are funny, but you were ok!"

I'd link back to my own blog post here from last October, but I'm sick of talking about it. Ok, here it is. 

To say MICF is not supportive of it's women is an outright lie.

To say MICF is not AS supportive of ALL of it's local comedians, is another story.

Sally Bennett, Siobhan Duck - why didn't your try THESE headlines?






So, fuck you Siobhan, you too Sally. More especially fuck you for not standing up to whom ever told you to write such a ridiculous article.  I chose to believe it was a large fat man, sitting in a brown Chesterfield Chair, stroking a balding cat.

Can we now, PUHLEASE put this 'argument' in a Hessian sack with a litter of adorable yet, unwanted kittens, a brick (male of course) and biff it out to sea?




Too much?


f x



**I might be off a year or two on UpFront.